Why Couples Divorce

The reality of divorce is no longer a taboo subject in our day and age. What once was a very time consuming and tedious process has become quick and relatively easy. No wonder many marriages end up at the lawyer’s office or in the court rooms to divorce.  Our culture, media and society are founded on “quick-fix” solutions and marriages are no different.

Many media publications portray how quick and easy it was to divorce, how painless the divorce process was and how happy divorced couples are. If you have ever truly loved someone, shared a life with them, your inner most secrets and often children, I cannot imagine that divorce is completely pain free.  Off course, I am not talking about any form of abuse. There should never be room for abuse and if the abuser is not willing to rehabilitate then yes, there is a happy life without that person. I am talking about the average working man and woman that sees me. That has to deal with normal life, home and work stresses.

In my practice we always strive to first reconcile couples to work through difficulties and rebuild a relationship that has been damaged or broken. The question should always be asked: “Have you tried everything to save your marriage?” If not, then why divorce? We need to understand marriage is not always a walk in the park and every marriage has its challenges.

Let me explore 5 reasons why couples raise Divorce as an option from my counselling experience:

1. Infidelity

Infidelity adds a heavy weight to the divorce statistics and it is the number one killer of marriages and why marriages end up in divorce; next to finances. Restoring a relationship after one’s partner has cheated is very difficult to repair. Usually affairs take three forms: sexual, emotional or both. More than 90% of affairs that started off as an emotional affair usually turn into a physical relationship. The road to recovery is a long process and it does not come easy and many couples fail to rebuild and renew their marriage as it was, before the affair. It is possible for couples to restore their marriage as long as both parties are willing. Accepting change and taking ownership of one’s decisions are two fundamentals needed to start the healing process.

Reasons I found Couples to Cheat:

• Unresolved Marital Problems
• Stress at Home
• Being Sexually Frustrated
• Insecurities in one-self
• Lack of self-restraint and self-discipline
• Not spending enough time together
• Not prioritising family or partner needs
• Some Individuals are just cheaters – You cannot change a leopards spots
• Lust
• Value Differences – for example the wife is a Christian and husband is a non-believer.
• Selfishness
• Wrong friends or work colleagues

2. Money

Money can play a massive role in the deterioration of a marriage. The fact is we all need money to be able to live and a lack of finances can put tremendous strain on a marriage. Finances influences everything in our day to day operations. A husband normally feels like he has failed his family by not being able to provide and a woman feels unprotected and vulnerable due to financial constraints.  As such, financial problems can cause a lot of stress, anxiety and constant fighting and can eventually lead to divorce. Next to infidelity finances are the second biggest reason why couples divorce. Couples have to understand that healthy communication is of vital importance to ensure healthy financial planning. Pre-marital counseling can help couples to understand the role of money and how to work through difficult financial struggles in their marriage.

Money problems can arise because of:

• Too much Debt
• Not being able to Budget
• Being Retrenched or laid off from work
• Unstable Economy
• Couples not being able to agree on how to Manage Finances
• Lack of planning financially
• Communication problems
• Different Backgrounds and view points
• Different Value structures
• Trying to live in a way or buy items that the couple cannot afford

3. Growing Apart

Growing apart from one another usually comes with people having busy lives. In order to have a healthy marriage and family life, one has to invest time into relationships. As with any relationship, a lack of time spent together or constant communication usually means that that relationship withers away. The less time spent together the more the couple will grow apart. Not spending enough time together or not spending quality time together usually means that couples end up functioning as an individual again and not as a couple any more. Many marriage partners feel as if they are not married anymore but that they simply have a “room-mate” sharing responsibilities of the house hold. If anything that is not at all what a marriage should look like and this is usually the place that couples reach when they think they have fallen out of love with their spouse. This is not the case. If 90% of those couples just started spending enough quality time together they will soon realise that they are still in love with their spouse. But separate lives usually means separate goals, separate responsibilities and ultimately a separation in marriage.

Growing apart happens when:

• Couples don’t spent enough time together
• No more Date Nights
• Too Busy at Work
• Not being able to Manage time well
• Television, PlayStation, online gaming, Social Media and more…
• Different Interests or hobbies
• Different Priority structures
• Unable to manage or discipline children well
• Lack of communication

4. Sex/Romance

We are created as sexual beings and sex was created to be enjoyed in a safe, healthy and loving environment. Unfortunately, our world has distorted sex into a selfish, lustful and almost animalistic act. Pornography and many distorted sex acts have influenced people into a wrong view of sex. For many couples sex is the pinnacle of their relationship and in some cases the only reason why the couple is together. Subsequently, when things in the bedroom turn sour, so does the marriage. Marriages should never be measured on how you perform in the bedroom, but rather on unconditional love. Romance is of vital importance. Romance without sex is like a candle without a flame – they work together and you cannot separate these two. Husbands and wives should romance one another on a regular basis and work hard to obtain peace and forgiveness on a regular bases. When they lose the romance then the playful side of the relationship becomes dull and couples feel unfulfilled.

When does sex turn sour?

• When any form of pornography gets involved
• When it is done out of lust rather form love
• Selfish Desires or ambitions
• A history of sexual abuse
• When romance becomes dull
• When there is unresolved problems
• Stress, anxiety, depression
• Performance problems
• Lack of emotional intimacy
• When couples don’t understand the purpose of sex

5. Hurtful Communication

Communication is one of the basic fundamentals of a good and successful marriage structure. When couples have healthy communication skills they are equipped and armed to deal with most situations that may cause damage or conflict within the marriage. No communication = no Marriage. That is why pre-marital counselling is so important to help couples find healthy structures within their marital disputes. Marital problems almost always lead back to a lack of communication and not understanding how to handle one another. Lack of communication sadly leads to other problems within the marriage and when things get too much couples feel a divorce is the only way forward. Many a time couples reach breaking point and devastation before they seek professional help. Work on the basics first and a good marriage is sure to follow.

What is Hurtful Communication?

• Manipulation
• Distorting your partners words
• Blatant Lying
• Swearing at one another
• Hiding truth from your spouse
• Not admitting your faults
• Not being able to forgive
• Keeping grudges
• Pride
• Self-Justification
• Having the believe your way is the only way
• Rude Jokes

If you and your partner struggle with any one of the items mentioned above do not hesitate to get help today. That with which you struggle in your current marriage is sure to surface in the next, should you decide to divorce. Let’s get talking and let’s get your marriage back on track